


Fireside Revelations

by MedicDuFresne



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 07:57:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MedicDuFresne/pseuds/MedicDuFresne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tough mission from Meredith, Anders and Hawke relax in front of the fire and Hawke has some revelations of his own.</p>
<p>Written for the 2015 Handers Secret Satinalia event</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fireside Revelations

Hawke shouldered the door to his mansion open, holding it open for Anders to enter first. He let the door shut behind him, then ran a hand through his hair trying to brush all of the snow out of it. There was a layer of snow covering High Town, but that didn’t seem to stop Meredith from pulling him out into the unusually cold weather to deal with her problems.

He leaned his staff up against the door and toed off his boots, watching out of the corner of his eye as Anders went right to the fire to warm up. Hawke felt a smile tug at his lips watching his lover slowly flush from the warmth of the fire. The little flecks of snow that found their way onto his feathered pauldrons quickly melting away as he rubbed his hands together and brought them in front of the fire.

Hawke pulled his gauntlets off and tossed them on the chair next to the fireplace then walked up behind Anders, sliding an arm around his waist and letting his chin rest on the other man’s shoulder. The slight jump from Anders from his touch made him chuckle as he pressed a kiss to the side of Ander’s neck, “Jumpy much?”

“Possibly,” Anders sighed as he leaned back into Hawke’s embrace, “or maybe I’m just wondering how we got roped into doing Meredith’s dirty work for her. We should be helping those mages, not hunting them down at her request.”

“I know.” This was a conversation they had many times before, Hawke was Anders’ biggest supporter in his quest for mage rights, being a mage himself as well as growing up with his father and younger sister. He also knew there was none of the bite in Anders’ words that there would be if he actually wanted to have this discussion. They helped as many mages as they could when out on these tasks from Meredith, but it wasn’t enough. They should be helping every escaping mage out of the city, not only the ones they can pass under Meredith’s notice. 

Working with Meredith certainly wasn’t what he thought he would be doing after saving the bloody city of Kirkwall. His title as Champion held weight, but they both knew the only thing keeping them out of getting thrown in the Circle themselves, along with Merrill most likely, was Hawke’s standing with the nobles in Kirkwall. They wouldn’t take their Champion being tossed to the Templars very lightly.

The silence stretched on for a while, a companionable silence they were both used to. It was comfortable, sharing each other’s warmth in front of the crackling fire. Eventually, Hawke pressed another quick kiss to Anders’ neck before stepping away, “I’m going to get out of this armor, be back in a few.”

Anders nodded but kept his gaze to the fire. Hawke stared at his lover for a moment before shaking his head and ascending the stairs up to his room, to their room. Dealing with the escaped mages today had been tough on everyone, but it had somehow hit home even more for Anders. He hadn’t said anything about it yet, and after the whole affair was over and they parted from Varric and Fenris down in Lowtown, Anders had been silent on their walk up to Hightown. Hawke hated seeing him this way, he was usually so full of passion. This silent, despondent attitude was not at all what he was used to.

While he didn’t want to push, Hawke wanted to find out just what was causing this sudden shift in his lover. He thought of different ways he could get Anders to open up to him while he was dressing. Their standing invitation to the Hanged Man for a drink and a few rounds of Wicked Grace was still on the table, but Hawke didn’t think either of them were in the headspace for that tonight. If anything, that would just get him to clam up further. Going to the Hanged Man now would only succeed in Anders pretending he was fine and putting up face to their friends, and Hawke honestly didn’t think he could handle watching Anders go through that. No, it looked like tonight was going to be a night in.

As Hawke descended the stairs, he stopped halfway down and took in the sight before him. Anders had taken off his coat at some point and tossed it over the arm of the chair with Hawke’s gauntlets on them. He was sat in front of the fire on a pillow, idly stroking his mabari’s head. Hawke could see the tension in his shoulders, and a soft smile crossed his face as he watched Anders slowly look away from the fire and to the mabari. Oscar rolled over and eagerly nudged at his hand, to which Anders obliged and rubbed the mabari’s belly.

Hawke quickly descended the rest of the stairs and snagged a throw blanket off the back of the couch as he walked towards Anders. He sat on the other side of Anders, and his sudden presence seemed to shake Anders out of his thoughts. The other man smiled gratefully as Hawke extended the blanket around both of them and looped an arm easily around Anders’ thin frame.

“Your mutt is spoiled, you know,” he chided Hawke looking back over at Oscar who was still laying on his back with his tongue flopping out of his mouth, panting happily.

Hawke chuckled and pressed a kiss to his lover’s temple, “Only because you two finally get along. Now he gets twice as much attention.”

Anders hummed a noise of agreement then turned back to the fire, seemingly ready to drift back into his own head again. Hawke poked at him in his ribs, just hard enough to get a bit of a reaction out of the man. Anders jerked and sputtered, grabbing at Hawke’s wrist to try and keep him from tickling him further, a reluctant smile spreading across his face, “Stop that you big oaf, really, you know how ticklish I am.”

“You don’t say,” Hawke flashed a cheeky grin at Anders but did relent, opting to lace their fingers together instead. Anders shook his head, but the smile on his face stayed, which Hawke took as a good sign. He was at least willing to talk.

“Anders,” he ventured, “what happened today? When we found those mages it’s like you shut down,” Hawke watched his face for any reaction, but kept pressing when Anders didn’t stop him. “We knew some of them were going to be blood mages, but we got the innocent ones out. I don’t understand what made today different from any of the other days we did this?”

Anders was quiet, and Hawke felt his chest constrict a bit. He was suddenly unsure if he had pushed too much, had asked the wrong questions. He searched Anders’ face for any signs of what the other man was feeling, but he was frustratingly good at hiding his emotions.

They sat in silence again, and Hawke fought the urge to fidget with his robes, with the blanket, with anything. He was rubbish at sitting still, but it looked like Anders was gathering his thoughts, and Hawke didn’t want the other man to think he didn’t care about what he had to say.

“Today was different,” Anders started, and Hawke settled down immediately, the impulses to move gone at the sound of his voice, “because I watched someone make the decision to use blood magic.”

Anders let those words hang in the air for a second before he continued, “The entire time this man had not used blood magic, but he was scared Hawke. Sure he was defending those in his party that were using blood magic, but he himself did not.”

Hawke watched Anders as he spoke, watched for the flashes of emotion that would pass on his face while speaking. He had to stop to compose himself, and Hawke squeezed his hand encouragingly, to which Anders responded with a small smile.

“I watched as the blood mage next to him fell, and he looked at the body with such fear and anguish that I nearly didn’t shield Fenris in time from a Rage demon attack,” Anders shook his head again, the memory obviously getting to him. They had all seen their fair share of bodies, but that doesn’t mean it ever got easier. Hawke felt a wave of sympathy for his lover, but didn’t want to interrupt him.

“He looked at that body and when he looked back up, I saw the indecision and fear in his eyes,” Anders pressed on, “and before I could do anything he brought a knife to his hand and joined the fight with his own blood magic.” The hand that wasn’t holding Hawke’s clenched tightly around the edge of the blanket, “He would have been safe, we could have helped him, but his own fear of Meredith and of being brought back to the Circle drove him to blood magic.”

The mask finally broke and Ander’s dropped his head, and Hawke couldn’t tell if the flush in his cheeks was just from the fire anymore. In a small voice, Anders murmured, “We didn’t even get the chance to tell them we were on their side. They just attacked.”

Hawke pulled Anders more firmly against his side, trying to comfort the man with his presence. Anders was right, they weren’t given the chance to explain themselves. They had walked around the corner of the cave and were immediately met with blood mages rising demons to face them. Usually Hawke could get a witty comment or two in before a fight.  
“I had no idea,” Hawke commented, “I didn’t get a clear look at anyone. We were put on the defense so quickly.” He brought the arm that he had looped around Anders’ waist up to run his fingers through the loose hair at the nape of his neck.

“I know,” Anders relented, “I know, but you have to realize they attacked us because they knew whoever was coming around that corner was going to drag them kicking and screaming back to Meredith. And they weren’t wrong, Hawke.”

Hawke felt a little put off by the accusatory tone Anders’ words had started taking. His fingers stilled in Anders’ hair as he looked over at the other man, “We weren’t there to bring them back. Even if that’s what Meredith expects when she sends us out, that is not my intention at all, and you know that.”

“But they don’t, Hawke,” Anders shifted to better face Hawke, the fire illuminating half his face, “They’re scared, and when we approach with Fenris’ giant sword, or Varric’s crossbow that’s near as tall as him, we don’t look any better than a pack of Templars.”

Hawke raised his eyebrow, “So what, we go out on the Wounded Coast completely unarmed and defenseless,” he asked, trying to understand what Anders was getting at, “What about the mages who actually are dangerous? What about all the other things that want to kill us on a daily basis?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Anders groaned and ran a hand over his face, the stress of the day showing plain on his face. Hawke softened and let out a deep breath. Getting worked up would help no one here, and he wanted to hear what his lover had to say.

“I’m sorry,” Hawke ventured, bringing his hand down and cupping Ander’s cheek. He smiled when the other man leaned into the touch, even if it was only a little, “I don’t mean to sound so short with you. I’m just, you know, I worry about you,” he felt his cheeks heat, and knew Anders noticed the change. “I worry about all of you guys, I drag you all through so much. The thought of doing all the dangerous stuff we do without any protection, it just doesn’t sit well with me.”

Anders blinked a few times, studying Hawke’s face for a moment. Hawke kept eye contact, and was relieved not to see any traces of Justice. This was all Anders, not the influence of the spirit. Sometimes it was hard to tell when they got on topics like this, what was his opinion, what was the spirit, and what was the combination of the two.

Anders eventually nodded, “I know Hawke. I know you worry, but you have to know that even without a staff or a sword, we aren’t defenseless. There’s more to what we do than just throwing our weight around and looking imposing while walking down dark allies. We help people, people who aren’t given a second glance by those in charge,” Anders gestured to the kitchen where Hawke could hear Orana cooking.

There was a hard determination in his eyes that Hawke knew well. This was the look he knew to expect when Anders was hunched over the desk in their room, endlessly scribbling away at his manifesto late into the night. This was the look he had when facing down corrupt templars, or when he stood up for the rights of mages. This inner strength that endlessly compelled Anders to action regardless of the dangers. It was the look in his eye when he kissed Hawke for the first time.

Hawke felt a lovesick smile spread on his face as Anders kept speaking, “We have to be ready and willing to help those who need it, not just the mages. I see people everyday in my clinic who have nothing to do with the issues between mages and templars, who are just as worn down from their own lives.”

He was in it deep, Hawke realized. The more his lover spoke of the injustices of the world, the more he wanted to stand by his side and throw himself as fully into these causes as the man in front of him. There was so much raw passion to do good for the world, and Hawke couldn’t help but get swept up in it right along with him.

Hawke would admit he was a bit guilty of not completely paying attention to what Anders was saying as the other man continued, now too involved in what he was saying to notice Hawke had switched to watching Anders, rather than only listening. He wasn’t so bad that he was completely ignoring the other man, no, he kept up just enough to not be considered rude, but couldn’t help his eyes tracing the curve of Anders’ mouth as it moved, or how the crackling fire constantly shifted the shadows and highlights on the man’s face. 

Seeing him like this, sat close enough that their knees were overlapping and their breath was mingling, Hawke realized how much he loved the man in front of him. He loved how the loose hairs that didn’t quite make it back into the ponytail would fall into his eyes when he was writing. He loved all the small touches they freely gave to each other, whether it was a hand on the small of the back, or a brushing of fingers against an arm or cheek. He loved how gentle Anders was with his patients, but had no problem calling out someone who was giving him grief while being treated. And he loved the stupid, stupid way Anders would stand up against templars twice his size to speak out against the injustices they were committing.

“Hawke,” Anders tilted his head, and Hawke realized he had just been sitting there grinning like a fool as the other man spoke. Anders had a quizzical look on his face, obviously confused as to what would have caused Hawke’s space out.

Hawke dipped his head and rubbed the back of his neck, having enough shame to at least look sheepish at being caught not paying attention. He chuckled, “Sorry, sorry. I, uh, I was just thinking about how much I love you.”

Maker’s breath, that was the first time either of them had said those words Hawke realized in a cold fear. He froze as he watched Anders process what he had just said, the different emotions flashing across his face, all the while a deep blush was spreading from the tips of his ears down to his neck. A doofy smile spread on Anders’ lips that Hawke immediately felt himself mimicking. The cold chill that had settled in his chest quickly melted away and was replaced with a sort of giddiness.

They met eyes and for a second they just held each other’s gaze before nervous laughter bubbled up from Hawke, and it wasn’t long before they were both doubled over laughing. It was loud and contagious, as one of them would nearly stop, the other would get them laughing all over again. Anders’ reached over to him and grabbed the front of his robes and drew his into a kiss, but it was less of a kiss, and more of the two men trying to stop giggling like children while pressing their lips together.

Anders pulled back first, resting their foreheads together with the same sappy smile on his face that Hawke knew must be on his, “Sorry, that was a bit sudden, but yeah. I love you.”

“I love you too, you big dolt,” Anders returned with a breathy chuckle. He pressed forward again and they kissed proper this time. It was slow and perfect and Hawke never wanted it to end. He pulled Anders closer until the other man was nearly in his lap and they sat like that for a long time, sharing lazy kisses and each other’s warmth.

When they eventually broke away, Hawke reached up and smoothed away the little flyaway hairs in Ander’s face, “You are the most important person in my life, you know that right?”

Anders leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Hawke’s forehead, “I do. I feel the same way for you. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you in it.”

Hawke pressed his face against Anders’ shoulder and let his forehead rest in the crook of the other man’s neck, “I’m sorry I stopped paying attention to what you were saying earlier.”

Anders chuckled and Hawke felt his fingers card through Hawke’s hair, “I don’t think I can really fault you for that. I’m not sure I even remember what I was on about. Though I have to ask,” Anders rubbed his fingers against Hawke’s scalp and Hawke felt a shiver run down his spine, “what brought that on?”

Hawke lifted his head from Anders’ shoulder so that he could look at the other man, the embarrassed smile returning to his lips, “Come on, let a man have a little dignity. I just blurted out ‘I love you’ after staring at you like a lovestruck teenager. I have a reputation to uphold here.”

Anders rolled his eyes, knocking his shoulder against Hawke’s, “Oh is that so?”

Hawke nodded, pressing light kisses along Anders’ jaw, enjoying the rough feel of the other man’s stubble against his lips. Anders chuckled then shifted so that his back was pressed against Hawke’s chest, facing the fire instead. Hawke adjusted the blankets around his shoulders and brought them forward to cover both of them, then looped his arms easily around the other man’s waist. He felt Anders’ hands cover his own and the other man’s head dropped back to rest on Hawke’s shoulder.

They lapsed back into silence, and Hawke couldn’t help but think about how Anders had said he loved him back. It was still hard for him to grasp how deep his feeling went for the man in his arms. He had really never had the chance for a serious relationship before. Growing up in a family full of apostates meant picking up and moving at a moment’s notice, so Kirkwall really had become his home. It was a city full of problems, of slavers and corrupt templars, of carta thugs and blood mages, but it was home now. But as much as Hawke considered Kirkwall home, he realized that it was only home as long as Anders was here with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2015 Handers Secret Satinalia event for introspecticskeptic on tumblr.
> 
> Hope you liked it <3


End file.
